Pronouns: “It’s Just A Phase”
Working with adolescents ages 10-18, you sometimes hear different iterations of the same feelings and thoughts, because, rightly so, they are all journeying towards authenticity. What we didn’t anticipate in this work was hearing different versions of the same phrase come from the mouths of some of the parents or adults of LGBTQIA+ youth we work with. It’s a blow to hear, and there’s no quippy joke or punchline to soften it.
“It’s just a phase.”
For the sake of trying to understand a person’s logic and their own learning, let’s entertain the question. What if it’s a phase then? What does that have to do with supporting your youth? The phase is learning, the phase is identity exploration, the phase is finding out what fits. It serves a purpose.
Our need for exploration and establishing who we are does not end whenever society tells us it does. We find new means of communicating expression. Music for example, proves an invaluable means of mimicking early communication attempts between mother and baby. Most people process music in the right hemisphere of their brain, where things like facial expression, stress patterns and intonation, and dyadic interchange of speech - these emotional preverbal aspects of communication - take place. Youth find ways to fulfill those needs to communicate and seek comfort verbally and nonverbally as they did as babbling babies looking into an adult’s eyes. They do so by engaging in popular culture.
If you’re a parent, have you ever felt frustrated as you watch your young person pull away from you? Have you felt helpless when you feel they no longer talk openly with you?
Let’s think about why they might want to do that. Who might they be turning to get that support?
Sixty-seven percent of youth report that they’ve heard family members make negative comments about LGBTQ people.
Sixty-seven percent of youth report that they’ve heard family members make negative comments about LGBTQ people.
Only twenty-six percent say they always feel safe in their school classrooms, with only five percent saying ALL of their teachers and school staff are supportive of LGBTQ people.
Nearly half of youth who are not out to their immediate family say they do not have an adult in their family that they could talk to if they were sad.
Seventy-seven percent of LGBTQ youth surveyed report that on average they have felt down or depressed in the past week.
Ninety-five percent of LGTBQ youth report having trouble sleeping at night.
Forty-five percent of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.
Sixty percent of LGBTQ youth who wanted mental health care in the past year were not able to get it.
If youth communicate to us through popular culture and think your youth was simply experiencing a phase, it does not change the fact that they are trying to say something. They are saying, “right now, in this moment, this is me.” They are asking you to be that mirror to reflect proof of existence. They are telling you what they need: acknowledgment.
So what if it’s a phase?
Let’s do an exercise. This activity may feel painfully like your own experiences. For some, it may be a chance to experience a fraction of what it is to be queer.
Write down or think of these five things:
Person (friend/ loved one)
Family Member/ Relative
Hobby / Passion
Material possession that you wouldn’t want to lose
A dream job
Don’t stress about what you decide to write down, just do your best to find something that fits into each category. For the remainder of the activity, I’m going to ask you to imagine you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or pansexual. If you already identify with one of these identities, you can choose a different identity and follow along with the story, imagine following along in this queer person’s shoes with your own identity, or you can choose to follow along to whatever degree you’d like, altering the story to fit the identity you are using for this activity.
Now follow along with your 5 notes above as you read this coming-out story.
Imagine you’re a small child and you’re hanging out with that Number 1 person on your list. You’re watching movies and you declare your love for your favorite superhero. Your number 1 person asks you what you mean by that. You try to explain that you don’t just love the superhero, you are IN love with them. That Number 1 person calls you a name in disgust and tells you they can’t hang out with you anymore. Mark that person off your list.
Fast forward to high school. Your feelings of queer attraction, and you’ve started to explore them secretly in relationships. You think, “More and more people are living openly out now, my family loves me, I can be my true self with them.” You decide to tell one of your closest family members that you are dating someone, and that you are gay. They tell you that you’re going through a phase and tell you to stop seeing that person. You say it’s not a phase, but they refuse to talk to you any longer. They refuse to acknowledge you said anything at all. Cross number 2 off your list.
Then, you’re in college, and you’ve found a community of people to hang out with who support and care for you. They accept you for who you are. One day, you see a sign for a student organization meeting for that Number 3 thing on your list. You decide to check it out and go to a meeting. Afterwards, the president comes up to you and introduces himself. You start talking and he asks if he saw you in the pride parade on campus recently. You say yes and excitedly describe the event that you were involved with. He tells you that he respects your right to do what you want, but members of the group wouldn’t feel comfortable around you. He asks you not to come back. Mark Number 3 off your list.
After you leave the meeting, you come back to your room to find a derogatory slur has been written on your door and your room has been broken into. Everything inside has been trashed, and to your horror, you realize that your prized possession has been destroyed. Go ahead and cross number 4 off your list.
Finally, later in life, you’ve managed to get your ideal job and life is good. You’re at work one day and have a picture of your partner and your child on your desk. Your boss walks by and asks about them. You tell them who they are and she goes on her way. The next morning, you get called to a meeting where your boss tells you that the company is downsizing, and they’ll have to let you go. Mark that off your list.
Now look at your list. What do you have left? Imagine a child you love standing alone with that same notecard in their hand. Don’t you want them to be holding a card with at least one thing they haven’t had to mark out of their life? Don’t you want it to be your name?
This story is not meant to be a picture of every LGBTQIA+ person’s story, or even most LGBTQIA+ people’s story. This is a particularly tragic coming-out story, but it is not overly dramatic. These are realistic occurrences in LGBTQIA+ people’s lives, and it’s important for us to recognize that they happen. Coming out is a lifelong process. It’s decision people make again and again in new situations. There are risks and dangers to coming out. It may not always be safe.
Parents and family members can do things to support queer youth in their life. They can educate themselves about facts and issues that impact LGBTQ youth. They can stay informed of LGBTQIA+ inclusion policies in their state, their city, and their local district. They can educate themselves on anti-queer and anti-trans legislation. They can find out how to challenge those. They can advocate for LGBTQIA+ inclusive curriculums, programs, and clubs in schools. They can get involved in organizations. They can make their home a safe and affirming space whether they have openly LGBTQIA+ children or not.
Use their name and pronouns. Recognize they are trying to communicate with you through whatever means they can. Validate who they are at any given moment. Show up for your LGBTQIA+ youth and be that one adult in their life they can tell if they’re sad. Help other adults feel supported as they journey towards being better for their queer youth. Listen with open hearts as they navigate their identities and never miss an opportunity to tell them they are valued, important, and loved.