Good Grief: Supporting Youth with Grief While Supporting Yourself

We get it. Teachers and youth-serving professionals are in the middle of striking a balance between being supportive to the people in your life, while also owning that you equally need extra support. During COVID-19, many are in the midst of loss and grief. During “normal” times, we attempt to keep our feelings at bay, so we can conduct ourselves professionally at work, or just keep our daily lives functioning as normal.

However, the grief we’re feeling has shifted from singular to collective. It’s okay to allow for grieving in your life, and to use this opportunity to be vulnerable while working with young people.

Here are a few self-care tips to remember while teaching youth in the classroom and in youth-serving programs.

1. Allow yourself to grieve rather than placing shame on valid emotions

In the 2004 article Loss of the Assumptive World, Beder describes grief and loss in terms of losing hope in things that were once assumed to be true. Our assumptive worlds are crashing down around us, much like in the movie Inside Out, when the main character, Riley, has a major life shift. Her firm beliefs about her world crumble. Amidst the 24-hour news cycle, we are getting barraged with stories about loss. What we normally take for granted about the world has fallen apart. This creates feelings of regret and sorrow and it forces us into the process of having to build a new reality. Grief and loss are exhausting, and our feelings can fluctuate wildly because the stages of grief are not linear.

As a result, try to avoid feelings of shame for jumping from acceptance one day to denial and avoidance the next. Allow yourself to just feel whatever emotions may come, and know that what you feel is okay; you are doing the very best you can in unprecedented circumstances!

At Ophelia’s Place, we honor these values while holding space for everyone who may also be grieving, rebuilding, and doing their best. We try to meet each person with the same level of compassion, validation, and understanding. Grief can make this more difficult, which is why taking time for self-care is so important.

2. Practice vulnerability and model this to your students

Our grief can’t be fully private right now because we are all facing the same situation. In her Ted Talk, Brene Brown talks about the power of vulnerability and how it leads to true connection with others. Authenticity with your students will model the idea that they too can feel and be vulnerable during this time.

If you’re missing your students, tell them. If you’re sad or stressed, let them know. It’s okay to let your students (and their parents) know that you don’t have all the answers.

Remember, when sharing, to always come back to the kids. Share as a way to normalize their feelings. You don’t want students to feel like they have to comfort you; you want to highlight that their feelings are valid and can safely be shared with you.

3. Show compassion to yourself and others

In the article, That Discomfort Your Feeling Is Grief author Berinato describes that many individuals are experiencing anticipatory grief. This type of grief is similar to anxiety and spiraling thoughts about worst case scenarios. If you know a young person who has anxiety and is jumping to the worst case scenario about COVID-19, encourage them to also envision the best case scenario.

Offer students comfort and console their emotions. Encourage them to reach out to others or to you when they need support. Validate their feelings, let them vent and be angry, and let them be sad or disappointed. We do not need to challenge feelings – allow the feelings to be experienced in a safe environment.

• Ask your students what they need from you as their teacher.

• Remind yourself and others that this current challenging time will end.

• Encourage your students to practice mindfulness. They can try noticing five things in the room, doing focused deep breathing, or using a mindfulness app.

• Focus on the present moment with your students. For example, have them recognize their immediate situation: “In this moment, I am safe, I am healthy, I have what I need.”

For other tips on self-care and student support, check out Tools for Anxiety and Coping and Five Ways to Support Students in the Virtual Classroom.