Active Listening & Why It Matters

It’s annoying to feel like you’re not being heard. But actually, the frustration comes from feeling like others aren’t listening to you. It may seem like semantics, but listening and hearing are different and they both impact communication. 

Hearing and Listening: What’s the Difference?

Hearing is passive. Words are being heard, but not interacted with or validated. If youth feel like they’re only being heard, it can invalidate their feelings, experiences, and opinions. They may feel like adults “don’t care” or “don’t get it.”  

Listening is an active process. You give full attention to the speaker, show empathy, and assure understanding. Practicing active listening can reduce frustration, improve understanding, and make communication smoother.

How to Actively Listen

Active listening shows youth that you understand what they are saying and why it’s important, which tells them that you care about them. Listening can be hard because it requires attention and energy. It takes practice and may not be perfect all the time, and that’s okay. Here are some ways to practice active listening:

1. Give and Show Attention

Body language sends strong messages about emotions and plays a huge role in listening. Youth don’t feel listened to if parents are focused on other things when they’re talking. Intentionally showing that you’re listening can eliminate some frustration. Eye contact, nodding, and smiling (if appropriate) are ways to show you’re listening.

Attention is also important. If you’re in the middle of something, take a break, or ask youth to wait until you’re able to give them more attention. An example: “This sounds like something really exciting, but I’m having trouble focusing on your story. Can we pause while I finish laundry so I can give you my full attention when I’m done?” 

2. Validate Feelings

Youth share stories and experiences with adults in part to express emotions. When they only feel heard, it can feel as though adults don’t care or understand the importance of the situation and how it impacts them. 

Rather than sharing opinions about youth’s reactions or emotions, validate them with empathetic responses. An example is hearing a young person talk about a bad day at school and saying, “I’m sorry, that sounds like it was a hard, upsetting day for you.” Validate experiences and emotions to show you care and understand.

3. Paraphrase to Check Understanding

Following the details of a situation is sometimes challenging. And it can be upsetting to youth when they feel like you didn’t listen or understand. It’s not about catching every detail, but rather demonstrating understanding and asking questions. If you’re really lost, ask questions to clarify and show investment: “I want to make sure I understand, did Kelly say that or Paola?” 

Paraphrasing is another tool to show understanding. Paraphrasing is giving short summaries of details and feelings. Examples of ways to begin paraphrasing include: “So it sounds like you’re angry because…” or “I’m hearing that you’re angry, is that right?” You’re showing that you understand their feelings and what’s important. Paraphrasing also helps youth hear what they’ve said which helps them clarify misunderstandings or add more details.

Don’t Worry About the “Right” Answers

Parents, we know there’s a lot of pressure for you to know what to say to “fix” things. This pressure creates a “listen to respond” mindset – focusing on what you’re going to say in response rather than on what your youth is telling you. That makes it hard to actively listen. The goal of a conversation isn’t always to seek advice or a fix. Instead, focus on showing empathy through active listening. Practicing listening and being present is already really helpful! 

Ready to give it a try? During your next conversation, practice active listening using one or a couple of these scripts:

Show Attention: “I want to hear more about this but I’m in the middle of something right now. Can I finish this up and come back to you so I can give you my whole attention?”

Paraphrase: “I want to make sure I understand. Did you say…?”

Validate: “How did that make you feel? That sounds exciting/sad. What a great/rough day.”

Interested in more information? Contact Ophelia’s Place for adult education opportunities at (541) 284-4333 or email info@opheliasplace.net.